Continue

So a few little things have happened the last few days - I am now back in Sydney after a tedious 10.5 hour drive and am enjoying the warm weather and seeing Mum and Dad. After this post I think I'll head down to the pool and make myself crispy.

On the drive up I had a good think about the Dan and Kurt situation, and I'm pretty sure nothing happened and that I was just panicking over nothing. In fact last night he asked me to come visit him at work in Manly. He seemed very keen for me to get over there and see him, so after dinner I hopped in my car and off I went. Saw him and had a chat for a couple of hours which was good, he got called off a couple of times but came back and kept talking and saying how bad he felt - I was like: "You're working! I feel bad!". We spoke about his time in Melbourne and he said he had a really good time and loved our little household dynamic, then got onto some more serious stuff like the Kurt and Seth situation and what is going on there - that pretty much cleared up my theory that Kurt and Dan had something going on. He's just too nice to cheat. Genuinely nice. Anyway, he asked me about someone I had been seeing a couple of months ago and I told him nothing was going on there - maybe it was a hint that he was after something? I'm not sure but I got all excited and he kept saying he was keen to go out tonight and maybe catch up early next week before I go back to Melbourne.

Yeah, so progress. Just little things he kept saying get me thinking he may be interested. He is quite shy I think, and our shyness combined could possibly be the reason nothing substantial has been said yet. I'm not sure - but I like taking this slow anyway, especially since I'm going away next week for 2 months...

Ok, I think it's pool time - I need a tan before I go to freezing Europe so I look hot.

Over and out.

Blog 1 - Man in the middle, or to the side?

I often feel as though I need to vent and have nobody to vent to. That is a reason why I created this blog. So I am going to take advantage of that straight away.

Ok...where to start...

I don’t really know how I’m feeling. I guess some would call it heartbreak but I think its called jealousy. My mind can’t stop thinking about it, my gut feels all tangled and I just keep asking myself if I am imagining.

Dan. One guy. Currently single. Kurt. Probably my best friend. Currently in a long distance relationship. Me. The problem. Single and looking.

Dan is the ex of Kurt’s current partner. Things get complicated when Kurt has never met Dan’s ex yet somehow has maintained a relationship for over two years. This week, Dan has come down from Sydney to visit and is staying at our house. I didn’t find out about this until a couple of day beforehand when I overheard the housemates talking about it. I have been talking to Dan for a few months and was yet to meet him, and thought “wow, this will be cool”. To be honest, I had a bit of a crush on him – just the friendliest, down to Earth guy I’d spoken to in a long time. Maybe I had a chance. I thought he may be interested in Kurt, and vice versa, but I wouldn’t expect much to happen due to long-term-long-distance relationship.

Picked Dan up from the airport. Awesome. Arrived home, showed him around the house and everyone settled for the night. I was shy, can’t really look him in the face. It’s that kind of crush where you can’t really find the right things to talk about because you get all nervous. Set up the sofa, everyone goes to bed. Sleep. Wake in the morning to go to work, Dan is asleep in Kurt’s bed.

My heart sank as though it was thrown like a rusty anchor into the silty salty sea.

I didn’t see much on Sunday as I was at work. Sunday night seemed ok although Kurt and Dan again slept in the same bed. Tonight they seemed to be getting close on the couch when we were watching a movie. I don’t think anything has happened, but I think that is only because of the man in the middle. Will something happen? I don’t really know. I don't want anything to happen but I have a strong feeling something will, and that is what is killing me. My heart and my mind are playing tricks, and I don’t know how to think or feel.

Is it wrong for me to have this crush now? I’m sure it will eventually fade. But if anything were to happen between Kurt and Dan how would I feel? If nothing happens, is it wrong to go for Dan? Could it only be the fact that the middle man is there as to why nothing happens – could I be thrown aside if Kurt and the middle man separate?

Poor Kurt – two years starved of physical affection must take its toll. Why can I not be happy for him? As I said earlier, he is probably my best friend. At dinner the other night he said that if he were to get married, he would probably choose me to be best man – could I do that if Dan was the groom? Questions! I feel terrible, as though if I did say something it would be offensive.

I have been so protective of Kurt – I hope it all works out between him and the middle man. But at the same time, two years without meeting is pretty slack if you ask me, and I would be so happy if he met someone. Someone except for Dan – at the moment. The thing that bothers me is how secretive Kurt is. I have never had a friend who doesn’t open up to me that much. I think I am very reserved, and often that stops me from talking about deeper feelings and thoughts, but I do eventually spill – even if sometimes it is too soon. I wish Kurt would do this with me – I know he does it with Chantel and Phoebe but why not me? Doesn’t he trust me? Right now, if he did, this problem wouldn’t be happening!

I want to clear my mind. I want to go home to Mum and Dad and just have some space to think. But my mind wants me to stay here, just in case the slightest chance of Dan looking at me that way happens. Wow I am stupid at times. How can the mind trap my feelings like this? It’s like it’s too powerful.

I just feel a complete mess and have nobody to talk to about this. A con of being in a small group of tight knit friends I suppose. The main thing is I don’t want to hurt Kurt. I suppose I will have to try as hard as I can to not do this, I love him as a friend and could never imagine compromising that. Wednesday or Thursday – please hurry and get me home.

I need some headspace.

Who Am I

I guess as a fresh blogging start after a few years it is time for me to define myself again. So who am I?

I think at the moment I still dont know.

I am almost finished my undergrad studies, not that that helps. I feel so rushed by life, and I follow along with the rush so easily. It's my comfort zone, and I just want to break out of it. But how?

I think my way of doing that is travel. I would class myself as the typical Gen Y in such a sense - fuck the man, live life for yourself. I want to see as much of God's creation as I can before my time is up. But it just seems to me as an unrealistic and unachievable way of living. How do the others afford life? I think too much about this, rather than putting my ass into gear and achieving - because I am comfortable being carried along by the rushing torrent.

I enjoy putting things plain and simple, although occasionally I have word vomits and everything needs to be read a number of times before it makes sense.

I am shy. I want confidence. I want attention. I want to be noticed every once in a while. I I I. Me Me Me. Its how I feel I am, and I continually question myself as to whether or not this is a bad way to be - again it seems as though the others are happy doing it. But is this just me going from one caste to another?

Tomorrow I want to wake up and tell myself that I am amazing. I want to tell myself I can do anything. I want to believe those words.