Blog 1 - Man in the middle, or to the side?

I often feel as though I need to vent and have nobody to vent to. That is a reason why I created this blog. So I am going to take advantage of that straight away.

Ok...where to start...

I don’t really know how I’m feeling. I guess some would call it heartbreak but I think its called jealousy. My mind can’t stop thinking about it, my gut feels all tangled and I just keep asking myself if I am imagining.

Dan. One guy. Currently single. Kurt. Probably my best friend. Currently in a long distance relationship. Me. The problem. Single and looking.

Dan is the ex of Kurt’s current partner. Things get complicated when Kurt has never met Dan’s ex yet somehow has maintained a relationship for over two years. This week, Dan has come down from Sydney to visit and is staying at our house. I didn’t find out about this until a couple of day beforehand when I overheard the housemates talking about it. I have been talking to Dan for a few months and was yet to meet him, and thought “wow, this will be cool”. To be honest, I had a bit of a crush on him – just the friendliest, down to Earth guy I’d spoken to in a long time. Maybe I had a chance. I thought he may be interested in Kurt, and vice versa, but I wouldn’t expect much to happen due to long-term-long-distance relationship.

Picked Dan up from the airport. Awesome. Arrived home, showed him around the house and everyone settled for the night. I was shy, can’t really look him in the face. It’s that kind of crush where you can’t really find the right things to talk about because you get all nervous. Set up the sofa, everyone goes to bed. Sleep. Wake in the morning to go to work, Dan is asleep in Kurt’s bed.

My heart sank as though it was thrown like a rusty anchor into the silty salty sea.

I didn’t see much on Sunday as I was at work. Sunday night seemed ok although Kurt and Dan again slept in the same bed. Tonight they seemed to be getting close on the couch when we were watching a movie. I don’t think anything has happened, but I think that is only because of the man in the middle. Will something happen? I don’t really know. I don't want anything to happen but I have a strong feeling something will, and that is what is killing me. My heart and my mind are playing tricks, and I don’t know how to think or feel.

Is it wrong for me to have this crush now? I’m sure it will eventually fade. But if anything were to happen between Kurt and Dan how would I feel? If nothing happens, is it wrong to go for Dan? Could it only be the fact that the middle man is there as to why nothing happens – could I be thrown aside if Kurt and the middle man separate?

Poor Kurt – two years starved of physical affection must take its toll. Why can I not be happy for him? As I said earlier, he is probably my best friend. At dinner the other night he said that if he were to get married, he would probably choose me to be best man – could I do that if Dan was the groom? Questions! I feel terrible, as though if I did say something it would be offensive.

I have been so protective of Kurt – I hope it all works out between him and the middle man. But at the same time, two years without meeting is pretty slack if you ask me, and I would be so happy if he met someone. Someone except for Dan – at the moment. The thing that bothers me is how secretive Kurt is. I have never had a friend who doesn’t open up to me that much. I think I am very reserved, and often that stops me from talking about deeper feelings and thoughts, but I do eventually spill – even if sometimes it is too soon. I wish Kurt would do this with me – I know he does it with Chantel and Phoebe but why not me? Doesn’t he trust me? Right now, if he did, this problem wouldn’t be happening!

I want to clear my mind. I want to go home to Mum and Dad and just have some space to think. But my mind wants me to stay here, just in case the slightest chance of Dan looking at me that way happens. Wow I am stupid at times. How can the mind trap my feelings like this? It’s like it’s too powerful.

I just feel a complete mess and have nobody to talk to about this. A con of being in a small group of tight knit friends I suppose. The main thing is I don’t want to hurt Kurt. I suppose I will have to try as hard as I can to not do this, I love him as a friend and could never imagine compromising that. Wednesday or Thursday – please hurry and get me home.

I need some headspace.